Lessons from the Hell House

1. No matter what the context, shirtless men whipping each other is gay, gay, gay.
2. Annual elevator inspections are important.
3. Don't allow your employees to bring their pet rats to work.
4. Pest control is important, don't leave dead bodies just lying around or you will get rats.
5. Affordable health care is a necessity, otherwise people are forced to go to Haiti for surgery and get turned into zombies.
6. Internet porn + whisky -> incestuous molestation.
7. Incestuous molestation -> messy shootings and suicide
   
8. "Normal" white kids carry guns too.
9. School canteens are scary places, even before the gun comes out.
   
10. Keep abortion legal or women will be forced to have late-term abortions performed in sheds by men with butcher's knives and a midget carrying an extra arm.
11. The right to bear arms extends to midgets and actual arms.
12. No good comes of bearing arms (see 7, 8, 10)
    
13. Men with butcher's knives like girls that are into bondage to hang out in the corner while they work.
14. Gay men are predatory and get to spend eternity in a leather bar.
15. Lesbians are hysterical and must spend eternity in women's prison.
16. All of this is real. Even the zombies.
17. This will all go away if you "Get right with god"...